i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
