and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
