So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
