You're so nebulous sometimes
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
You ever have a fart follow you around?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
