I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
