Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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