I puked a lego.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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