dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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