using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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