When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
