seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
