If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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