I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
