gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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