I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
