She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
