I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Randomize
