Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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