I feel great
I just peed on a car
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
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"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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