That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
