I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
