mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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