do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
