Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
