i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
