did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
