I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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