I just saw a hot homeless man
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
