I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize