Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I just found puke in my bra..
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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