I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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