In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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