Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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