If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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