i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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