My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
