i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Randomize
