Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
