Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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