i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
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I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
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Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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