I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
