omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
