I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
God gave him joint rollers for hands
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
