I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
