totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
