I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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