her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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