The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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