You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
