My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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