I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We left an ass print on the piano.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
