you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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