My liver just broke up with me...
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
