I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
